The Hole
by Godlovesme
Summary: Harry, Draco, Hermione, Ron, and the Twins get stuck in a 12 foot hole. complete HD slash. Dedicated to Alex.


Alex's freaky Harry Potter Story  
  
Authors note: Hello I am alex, and this is my freaky Harry Potter Story. Enjoy (  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.  
  
It was the morning on Tuesday when a whole bunch of screwed up events started to  
  
occur. Be it reminded that this is Hogwarts, and in Hogwarts there are many upon many  
  
screwed up events. But this one was really screwy. Screwier than usual. Is screwier a  
  
word? I suppose that it could be a word since it is a very screwed up, messed up,  
  
catastrophic day.  
  
Now that we've established that it's a really screwed up day (if you didn't get it, feel free  
  
to read the previous paragraph a second time) we must continue the story to tell the  
  
'WHY' of the story. Why is it a screwed up day? Why would anyone use the word  
  
'screwier' if it isn't even a word? Why are questions still being asked? From that point on  
  
we move on to 'When.' We know that it is a Tuesday, and as soon as I tell you, you will  
  
know that it is the first day of the month of November, well actually now I don't really  
  
need to tell you, do I? The main question au propos to 'When' is: When is this story  
  
going to come to a point?  
  
Now my friends. That time is Now.  
  
Hopefully.  
  
Don't get me wrong, I would love to come to a point, but first we have to start off with  
  
the basics.  
  
So back to the story. It was a Tuesday morning. Not a very eventful Tuesday morning,  
  
as Tuesday morning are never really all that eventful, but a Tuesday morning all the  
  
same. The Gryffindors in the Gryffindor room were moaning and meandering, the  
  
Ravenclaws were being clever . . . and setting their alarms to awake them in thirty more  
  
minutes. The Hufflepuffs were being friendly to each other, and doing what Hufflepuffs  
  
do most of the time, mainly partying and giving each other hugs. The Slytherins on the  
  
other hand were doing something totally different, but not all that unexpected. They, of  
  
course, were planning a very nasty scheme on the ignorant Gryffindors.  
  
The main target?  
  
Harry Potter.  
  
The means of getting to him?  
  
A BIG HOLE  
  
What does this mean?  
  
Catastrophic events on a very screwy day.  
  
~~~~^~~~~^~~~~  
  
"May I ask how you managed to get marshmallow wedged into your ear?"  
  
"No Hermione you can't ask, because then I would have to slap you."  
  
"It was only a question,"  
  
"In the end. . . life is only a question,"  
  
"Very deep Harry, but trying to change the subject isn't going to work,"  
  
"What . . . What?! I can't hear you! There's a marshmallow wedged into my ear!"  
  
"You could hear me fine a few seconds ago,"  
  
"Ron? Is that you speaking Ron? I can't feel you Ron, where are you?"  
  
"Get your hands off my breast Harry . . . by the way, you're supposed to be pretending to be deaf, not blind."  
  
"Harry. . . There's a marshmallow stuck in your ear,"  
  
"Yes we have established that Ron,"  
  
"Would you like a cookie?"  
  
"Erm. . . No that's ok Harry."  
  
"So how's the weather today?"  
  
"Harry! You don't even like Marshmallows! I distinctly remember you throwing a hissy  
  
fit when there were marshmallows in your cookies!"  
  
"The cookie was tainted! I and did not throw a hissy fight! I threw a very masculine, very  
  
buff, umm. . . sexy fit!"  
  
"Sexy fit?"  
  
"Masculine version of hissy fit."  
  
"Righhhhhhht,"  
  
Of course, at this very unfortunate moment, someone (namely Draco Malfoy) came  
  
sauntering into the room. Eating Marshmallows?  
  
"Malfoy is eating marshmallows, how curious. . ."  
  
"Those aren't marshmallows, they're uhhhh . . . little white miniature clouds. . ."  
  
"Yah. . ok Harry. . . Except for the fact that it says 'marshmallows' right on the bag."  
  
"You're wrong, you need your eyes checked. It clearly says 'little white miniature  
  
clouds'"  
  
"Unfortunately you're the one who wears glasses Harry. Look at Draco's hair, it's all  
  
messed up, as if someone had their hands in it. And his robe, look at how all the buttons  
  
are buttoned in the wrong place. . . and. . . a hickey?!"  
  
"Erm. . . I think I'll go now. . ."  
  
"Get back here Harry,"  
  
"Let go of my robes!"  
  
"Let me see that. . ."  
  
"Hey I was saving that marshmallow for later!"  
  
"You were going to eat it even though it was in your ear?"  
  
"Uhhh. . . I was going to clean if first."  
  
"It's the exact shape, size, and color of Malfoy's marshmallows."  
  
"Harry, let me see your neck."  
  
"Uhh. . . look it's a unicorn!"  
  
"WHERE!?"  
  
Harry promptly took this chance to turn and run out the door.  
  
~~~~~^~~~~~^~~~~~  
  
Draco's Personal Information:  
  
Name: Draco 'Sexy-man' Malfoy  
  
Likes to call himself: Sexy-Man  
  
Friends prefer to call him: Malfoy  
  
Friends: n/a  
  
Hobbies: Bashing Mudbloods, Eating Marshmallows, Tormenting Harry.  
  
Secrets: He likes to pretend Marshmallows are little white miniature clouds, Sleeps with a  
  
little pink teddy bear, snogs Harry behind the 2nd shed on the left side of the school every  
  
Tuesday morning.  
  
Favorite food: Chocolate, Ice Cream, Marshmallows, Harry.  
  
Role Model: Olivia Newton John  
  
Favorite Actor: John Travolta  
  
Favorite Actress: Meryl Streep  
  
Current Lover: Harry Potter  
  
Favorite Quote: I love you teddy, I do I do!  
  
~~~~~^~~~~~^~~~~  
  
At this very moment, Draco watches as Harry runs out the door.  
  
3. . .  
  
2. . .  
  
1. . .  
  
"AHHHHH! WHO PUT THIS HOLE HERE!"  
  
Instantly everyone runs to where Harry was now stuck at the bottom of a 12 foot deep hole.  
  
"Don't worry Harry we'll get you out,"  
  
"Well then stop talking and get me out!"  
  
"Geez Harry, no need to be snarky"  
  
"I'm sorry Ron, will you please get a freaking rope, freaking send it down this freaking  
  
hole, this freaking minute!!!! Please"  
  
"Now, now Potter, that's no way to speak to your best friend. Right Weasel?"  
  
"Get out of here Malfoy,"  
  
"I'll go when I wanna go."  
  
"Here Harry, I have a rope,"  
  
"Thank Hermione. . . hey. . . how come the rope isn't coming down,"  
  
"I dunno, there seems to be a barrier, Ron give me your bag,"  
  
"Why? . . Hey don't throw my bag down the hole!"  
  
"Don't be stupid Weasel, look at how the bag is floating over top of the whole, does it  
  
look like it's falling?"  
  
"Shut up Malfoy! I'm gonna push you down that hole!!!!"  
  
"That wont work! I wont fall thro . . AHHHHHHHHH *thunk* . . . ugh."  
  
"Hey Malfoy, isn't it nice down here in this hole,"  
  
"Spiffing just spiffing,"  
  
"Harry I'll jump down and save you!"  
  
"No Ron don't - OWWWWWW GET OFF OF ME!"  
  
"Oops, sorry Harry, I was trying to land on Malfoy,"  
  
"Thanks Weasel, I'm touched."  
  
"Ron? Harry? Are you okay?"  
  
"I don't know Hermione, we're stuck at the bottom of a 12 foot hole, we haven't eaten breakfast, and Draco - I mean Malfoy - is down here with us,"  
  
"Hey, you ate half of my marshmallows!"  
  
"SHHHH DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW?"  
  
"Know what?"  
  
"Erm . . . nothing Ron."  
  
"Potter can't keep his hands off me,"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Harry, Ron? I'm going to go get the head mas - AHHHHHHHHHHHH *thunk* ter!  
  
OUCH! Who pushed me!?"  
  
"Oops, sorry Miss Granger,"  
  
"Headmaster?!"  
  
"May I ask what you four are doing in that hole?"  
  
"Oh you know, the usual. Partying, drinking alcoholic butterbeer, shagging, pretty much  
  
getting it on."  
  
"That's good Mr. Malfoy, well have a nice day, I'm going golfing."  
  
"Headmaster? Headmaster?! COME BACK!"  
  
"STUPI D MALFOY! NOW WERE STUCK IN THIS HOLE!"  
  
"Hey, I didn't think he'd take it seriously! I mean. . . really!"  
  
"Do you have any more of those Marshmallows?"  
  
"Harry, I'm going to tell you this one more time, STAY AWAY FROM MY MARSHMALLOWS!"  
  
"I don't even like them! They just feel good in my ears,"  
  
"Oh stop pouting, that the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Now quiet down, I must  
  
try and think of a book that I read explaining magical holes,"  
  
"You read a book explaining magical holes?"  
  
"Why didn't you?"  
  
"Righhhhhhht,"  
  
"I know how the hole was made,"  
  
"Wow Draco, thanks for waiting so long to bring this up!"  
  
"Shut up Weasel, Now I don't think I'm ever going to tell you."  
  
"MALFOY!"  
  
"Draco - I mean Malfoy - You have to tell us the way out!"  
  
"Unfortunately I don't have to do anything Potter, seeing as how my plan worked and  
  
you are now at the bottom of a very deep hole,"  
  
"Did you mean for yourself to get pushed in?"  
  
"Uhhhh . . . yes. That was all part of the whole 'plan'"  
  
"Why would you want to be in a hole down here?"  
  
"To shag,"  
  
"With who?"  
  
"The worms Weasley, I wanted to shag the worms all the way to happy land. Yah I just  
  
love those worms, they're so cute and cuddly. And they squish so nicely under my shoes.  
  
Not to mention the fact that if you cut them in half, you get two worms! I'm getting  
  
turned on just thinking about it!"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Ron. . . I think that Malfoy was being sarcastic,"  
  
"ONE POINT FOR THE MUDBLOOD! DO DO DO DOOO DO DOOOOO! LETS  
  
ALL GIVE HER A FREAKING ROUND OF APPLAUSE!! . . . I DON'T HEAR ANY  
  
OF YOU CLAPPING, WHERE'S THE TEAM SPIRIT?!"  
  
"I think Draco is going hysterical,"  
  
"Why do you call him Draco?"  
  
"Uhh. . . I didn't say Draco, I said, uh . . Crisco!"  
  
"Crisco? You mean the fat in a box?"  
  
"Uhh. YAH!"  
  
"Suuuure Harry,"  
  
"WHY ISN'T ANY BODY CLAPPING?! I'M GOING TO MY HAPPY PLACE NOW!  
  
IN THE LAND OF PINK GORILLAS!"  
  
"Someone slap him please!"  
  
"I think I'll just go sit over there and cower under my robe. Ron you with me?"  
  
"Yah, I'll come with you Herm."  
  
"WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT! I'M NOT CRAZY! IT'S THE  
  
GORILLAS I TELL YOU! IT'S ALL THE GORILLAS!"  
  
"Shhh Draco, You're scaring everyone,"  
  
"Shag me Potter,"  
  
"WHAT?" (Ron and Hermione)  
  
"Uhhh . . . he meant to say 'Tag-y Potter' We were uhh. . playing tag,"  
  
"Yah. . . tongue tag,"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"He said 'Wung tang'"  
  
"I'd like to Wung your Tang,"  
  
"Why are you talking about Chinese food?"  
  
"Yah. . . Chinese food is what we were talking about, TAG!"  
  
"I'm never going to be able to play Tag ever again,"  
  
"Aww. . . Poor Harry, need a kiss?"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"He said 'More Berry, weed is bliss'"  
  
"You do drugs Malfoy?"  
  
"Yah, I'm on the love Drug, TAG!"  
  
"Righhhhhhht"  
  
"So anytime you're ready to tell us how to get out of here is fine. . ."  
  
*SNORE*  
  
"Malfoy? Malfoy? Please tell me he didn't just go to sleep!"  
  
"OI HARRY!"  
  
"Hey look it's Fred and George!"  
  
"Wotcha doing down there?"  
  
"We're having a party!"  
  
"Wow! We're coming down then!"  
  
"No wait I was being sar - *THUNK* - castic!"  
  
"*SNORT* OWWW WHO WAS THE WISE GUY WHO THUNKED ME?!"  
  
"Wise is one way to describe us,"  
  
"Where's the party?"  
  
"I'm sorry guys, I was being sarcastic,"  
  
"Dammit Potter! Don't try being sarcastic without me being there!"  
  
"YOU WERE ASLEEP! I WAS TRYING TO REMEMBER THE LESSONS! I  
  
SERIOUSLY THOUGH I COULD DO IT!"  
  
"Lessons? What Lessons? Hermione, do you know what Harry's talking about?"  
  
"No Ron, but I think it has something to do with Harry and Malfoy. They seem to be  
  
rather close don't they?"  
  
"Draco. . . get your hand off my derrière."  
  
"Oops sorry, was that your ass? I thought it was mine."  
  
"Why would you put your hand on your own ass?"  
  
"It likes to be there,"  
  
"I told you they seem rather close,"  
  
"Seem is not the word."  
  
"Well if there's no party, we're going up now,"  
  
"You're not going to get out, at least not until tomorrow,"  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"I was the one to put the spell here, I am a Malfoy, all my plans work out perfectly,"  
  
"So you really did mean to end up here?"  
  
"Erm. . . . ok maybe not all my plans,"  
  
"You were planning to just leave me down here for a whole day?!"  
  
"Hey I'm a Slytherin, I couldn't let them know about us! I had to play along with their  
  
scheme!"  
  
"This is a really screwed up day,"  
  
"You go that right Ron,"  
  
"So what? You're saying that you care more about your reputation than you do about  
  
me?! WE ARE SOOO OVER DRACO!"  
  
"You and Malfoy were a couple?"  
  
"Glad you finally caught that Weasel,"  
  
"Shut up Ferret Boy,"  
  
"Ferrets are extremely sexy animals,"  
  
"Right, well we're just going to go sleep over there. . ."  
  
"Right, lets go Fred,"  
  
"How can you and George sleep at a time like this?! We're stuck down here, in a hole,  
  
with A MALFOY!"  
  
"Yah, and you should feel lucky to be graced with the presence of the most greatest,  
  
sexiest Malfoy of all."  
  
"Where, I don't see your mom here?"  
  
"HEY DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY MOM!"  
  
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE GOING TO LEAVE ME HERE"  
  
"WERE TRYING TO SLEEP OVER HERE!"  
  
"I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO YELL ABOUT. BUT I WANT TO GO TO THE  
  
LIBRARY!"  
  
"I WANNA GO HOME!"  
  
"I WANT MARSHMALLOWS,"  
  
"WE WANT TO SLEEP!"  
  
"LIBRARY!"  
  
"I WANT MY DRAKEY-POO BACK!"  
  
(silence)  
  
"Drakey-poo?"  
  
"Uhh. . . I mean. . uhh . . crap I WANT MY DRAKEY-POO!"  
  
"I WANT YOU ALL TO SHUT UP!"  
  
"Professor Snape?"  
  
"Yes, now Dumbledore sent me here to get you out of there, he mumbled the words 'no shagging in the school' What exactly are you doing down there?"  
  
"We are *not* Shagging!"  
  
"Yes I gathered that Mr. Weasley as you all were screaming at the top of your lungs and  
  
scaring away the people in the portraits."  
  
"But I thought that you couldn't undo my Spell,"  
  
"You're right Mr. Malfoy, you wouldn't be able to undo the spell, except you and your  
  
flukies are a bunch of incompetents! Now Here's a rope, please tell me you're strong  
  
enough to hoist yourself up,"  
  
"Yes Professor,"  
  
They all silently climbed up the rope, all with faces that were blushing madly.  
  
"Now get out of my site before I kill all of you,"  
  
Snape and Others left, leaving only Draco and Harry.  
  
"Drakey-poo?"  
  
"Go away Potter."  
  
"Please forgive me Drakey."  
  
"No"  
  
"We can go shag. . ."  
  
(silence)  
  
"Lead the way."  
  
THE END 


End file.
